Yesterday was one of those days that I wanted to crawl under the covers and pretend that I wasn’t home.
The day started out fine…my tutor was ill and wanted to have class in the afternoon, so I got in some good listening/study time in the morning. My spirits were good until lunchtime. We had a meeting that left me more discouraged than I’ve been since we got here…through no fault of the people who called the meeting. I just had this overwhelming sense of failure…that I couldn’t do it…that I was doing it all wrong…that I wouldn’t ever learn the language…that I just don’t learn easily…that my memory isn’t working…that my failure will result in us being sent home. I was not in a good place, and it was the middle of the night back home so there was no one to call to complain to (which was good because my quiet time this morning was about a complaining heart and boy! was I convicted). So, again with the self medication (not sugar this time), I turned to good old American tv in order to just forget that I lived here. Never underestimate the power of the One we serve and His ability to use anything to speak to us. In the show I was losing myself in, a song came up…a song that spoke to my heart and caused a few tears to fall…from the Nashville soundtrack..
Speak to me Your promises
Resurrect Your Word
’cause I can’t win this battle on my own
No, I can’t win this battle on my own
I’ll rise up and be Your voice
I made my choice
This is my story
Your songs are stored inside my heart
So break me apart
It’s for Your glory
Let it pour out of me
Let it pour out of me
It’s for Your glory
I am here for His glory and I want, more than anything else, to glorify Him and for Him to pour out of me in all I do. Even learning language. Especially that.
Of course, I am too stubborn (remember that trait I passed to Ellie) to actually change my attitude that fast. I held on to my disappointment and my discouragement until about midway through my class today.
When I started bawling.
The dam was busted wide open and the tears wouldn’t stop. I kept apologizing, and my tutor was gracious, but I knew she didn’t know what to do with me. We pressed on, and a little after the storm had passed, she sat me down and made me listen. She told me that I am under too much pressure and that I need to realize everyone is different. I will learn eventually. She also told me to go make friends because the best thing to do is listen and try to have relationships. I told her today I was planning to knock on my neighbor’s door to ask if we can meet to practice Chinese. It was spoken…now I have to do it.
This afternoon, instead of sitting on the couch with earbuds in listening to frustrating recordings, I went out. I went with a friend (American friend) to meet 3 Chinese people that she practices with. I was more a wallflower than a participant, but that took all pressure to perform off, and I could just enjoy the knowledge that I could follow the conversation and jump in when I wanted to, not because I had to carry a conversation. We were there for almost and hour and a half, and I left with a bounce in my step encouraged for the first time in a long time it seems.
Then, because my Father is bigger and better than all the other gods out there, He made my next step easy for me.
Sometimes my vanity shocks me. Today was one of those times…I was in the elevator messing with my hair and totally forgot to push the button for the elevator to actually move. Of course, I was so focused on the mirror, I didn’t even notice the elevator wasn’t moving until it started moving after…ahem…a short time. It was going to pick someone up on the 4th floor and since I didn’t want to ride it back down to the first then up to the 7th again, I decided to hoof it up the stairs. When I got out, imagine my surprise at seeing one of the neighbors I had planned on going to see today! Just an answer to a plea yet to be spoken. I almost missed my opportunity so focused was I on admitting to her that I forgot to push the button on the elevator when she asked why I was using the stairs (I am getting real used to being laughed at)…but, thankfully, He smacked me upside the head and the words came out in halting Chinese, asking her if she would be willing to practice with me.
I have a date with her on Monday.
He is good to me. Especially since I was planning to knock on 501 instead of 401. He saved from yet another embarrassing moment.